7. Ryan FICO

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Coming in at seventh place is the story of Ryan FICO. I’ve told the tale of a Tinder profile often discovered year after year. But for those who have not read the original post, follow the link to see the story.

So… We Swipe Again

“When I first started online dating in 2015, I had some pretty hard and fast rules regarding the profiles I would say “yes” or swipe right on. When it comes to photos specifically, I use some loosely guided rules to govern my interactions.

  • Shirtless photo? Pass.
  • Photo with a bunch of women? Pass.
  • Photo with kids? Pass.
  • No photo at all? Hard pass.

 

This one particular person had a profile photo that seemed incredibly arrogant.”

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Revisiting this story reminds me of some details I had previously neglected. When discussing why our conversation fell by the wayside (I cited his self-given list of flaws), I had mentioned that I didn’t even know what he looked like! It was then that he sent me a picture. It was a photo of him with his sister at her wedding. He even gave me a link to his YouTube channel offering strangers of the internet financial advice. Then it hit me… I had seen this very photo before. It was a deja vu moment that I couldn’t even cop to. Had I dropped off the planet because I just wasn’t attracted to the man behind the FICO score? It’s entirely possible. He wasn’t my type at all socially and the lack of physical attraction could have very well sealed the deal. I hope Ryan ultimately found what he was looking for.

8. Matt Not In AZ

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Now we have entered the quarter final rounds. The top 8 will battle it out to be the saddest victor. Coming in at 8th place is Matt Not in AZ.

Let me give you some context for this story. It was October 2017 and I had recently gone through a breakup. I was visiting my friend Clara in northern California. Before heading her way, she convinced me to download Tinder again. You know… just for giggles. I wasn’t genuinely looking, I’ll be honest. But the potential to break my mind away from the thought of my previous relationship was tempting. So, I downloaded Tinder and began swiping.

Now, Tinder in my opinion is a game in its own right. But, the game we played was far more dangerous. One night while out on the town, we swapped phones to swipe for the other person. Clara and I are really close friends. But, although we have similar interests in food, movies and books, our taste in men has never been an area our interests overlapped. So this was going to be fun.

It probably did not help that we were out bar hopping. As fun as it sounds, I rarely recommending Tindering under the influence. Clara got several matches for me with conversations flowing shortly after. She is also an opportunist, though. So if a previous match sent a message, Clara had no qualms diving into a conversation with them either. Matt was one such conversation.

Just a friendly reminder that when the conversation doesn’t sound like my typical cadence, you can bet that Clara is responding.

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Tinder, might I add, is a location based dating app used to connect people based on geographic positioning. I must have matched with Matt prior to leaving for California since his distance was much, much further than the “within 20 miles” metric in my settings–a distance difference he clearly did not notice.

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Clara and I agreed– he had no business knowing where I was. All he needed to know was that his request was physically impossible.

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Not entirely sure how he jumped from getting Mexican food to spending the night… Let’s even say that I wasn’t completely turned off by the idea of meeting a stranger at 2:30am. Let’s go a step further to assume I am not repulsed and terrified by the idea of spending the night with said stranger. His request still does not grasp the fact that I am still not in Arizona!

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We did have quite a bit to drink that night. While walking the streets of the lively downtown, we ran into some of Clara’s coworkers who dragged us into a nearby dive bar. My first gin and tonic–heavy on the gin, light on the tonic– was served in a pint glass! And the drinks kept coming. Note the alcohol intake and still Clara had excellent grammar! Bravo!

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Alas, Matt still did not comprehend the fact that I was not in Arizona.

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Nobody says it better than Katarina Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You. Her eye roll says it all. But, alas, I was not the one responding.

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Instead, Clara gave him some pretty practical advice.

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Thunderbird School of Global Management was listed as Matt’s education on his profile.

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Ouch. His entire point was to defend his intelligence. Then, he uses the wrong homophones instead of “than” and “they’re” all in the same sentence.

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Oh good! Clara is just as sassy as I would have been! Excellent.

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What do you mean you “just noticed the distance”?? It was repeatedly pointed out to you in your quest to invite me over.

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Or perhaps both. I do not believe those two situations are mutually exclusive.

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Buddy… we had been asking ourselves the same. exact. thing.

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Clara is getting feisty at this point. She has had it with Matt and his perceived level of intelligence.

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Goodnight, Matt. And goodbye. Clearly.

9. Paypig

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So… for number nine I had to do a bit of research. The conversation with Tommy did not last long. It was not full with witty quips and silly jabs. The research, and the proposition in general, is why Paypig made the cut for the top 16 bracket.

I don’t quite remember the conversation leading up to this point. It happened almost two years ago. And honestly, I had gratefully forgotten about these screenshots in general until siphoning through my old photos for the bracket. Here’s the conversation that followed:

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I have never heard of this kind of arrangement where there are “no [strings] attached whatsoever.” I cannot believe that it actually exists.

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Which is true. I am not particularly offended. I am just incredibly confused at the proposition.

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And with that suggestion, I Googled the term “paypigs.” The results were all about financial domination, indeed. A form of submission, the paypig will hand over financial control to their partner as a form of financial domination, or findom. Findom is internet slang defined by Wiktionary as “a form of erotic humiliation in which one person gives money and control of their finances to another.”

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I’ll admit, at the time of this conversation, I think I had the wrong idea about what a paypig actually is. I wouldn’t have been the submissive. Instead, he was asking me to be the one in control.

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The conversation ended with so many red flags. Why do you want to do this for someone? Who pays for a stranger’s life? And how on earth is that doing you a favor? From this guy’s perspective, he sees it as being useful to the girl. From my perspective, it feels like an exhausting second job. I have enough on my plate dealing with my own finances. I do not want to take control of someone else’s, too. Furthermore, I do not want to feel like I owe anyone for the financial investment they have now taken in my life. No thank you.

To read about someone’s actual account of her experience with a paypig, jump to Bolde. This internet subculture is beyond my own personal experience.

With that, we conclude the first round of elimination. Next up, is number eight.

10. Murdering Mormon

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Up next in the top 16 countdown is number 10… The Murdering Mormon. I realize that this nickname is just as odd as it is unnerving. But, allow me to explain. If you have read some of my other posts, you know that I tend to start conversations with the same telling question: If you had to describe yourself using only one word, what would it be? I get answers like “driven”, “motivated”, “funny”, “exciting”… Usually adjectives that would entice further conversation. Rarely do I get nouns and even more rarely are they scary. But, along came Jacob…

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Hm. Interesting first impression.

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And alarmed I was. Who opens up a conversation with someone online and immediately jokes (or at least I hope it was a joke) about being a murderer? His response turned into the world’s worst segues.

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At this point I am incredibly confused. I am not Mormon, but I am friends with many. It just comes with the territory of growing up in Mesa, AZ. Is being Mormon good for him? Is it bad? Do I meet some really creepy murder checklist if I say yes? Is it worse if I say no? Either way, the thread of conversation is splitting awfully thin.

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He had a totally reasonable chance to explain his question. In fact, the connection with a mutual friend actually made sense. But he had to go and ruin it with the line “Good cause I don’t murder Mormons.” And that answered my earlier questions. Being Mormon would have kept me out of the line of danger. No was apparently the wrong answer if I wanted to keep my life. So, I guess that puts me back on the hit-list. And once again, in an attempt to change the topic, we are hit with a totally unnatural transition in conversation. I ignored the inquiry into my weekend and doubled-back to his murdering comments.

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I don’t have any doubts in my mind why this man was single.

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The mere fact that I am uncertain if he’s actually joking or just really disturbed should be telling. Perhaps if I had better survival instincts, I wouldn’t goad a potentially psychotic (let’s be fair, he self-described as a murderer before saying anything else) individual. But I cannot help it. My thoughts will be told, consequences be damned.

Once again, an excellent conversationalist. Knows when to transition in an out of topics seamlessly…

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Perhaps I am beating a dead horse. Perhaps I should let it go. But I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that this guy described himself as a murderer.

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Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it could save the life of an unsuspecting internet dater.

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Ohhh okay. He is joking. Totally just messing around. Making a mockery of the fact that women are always needing to be vigilant. Alright. I can sort of get behind that. Maybe he is just not very socially aware.

Wait.

“Serial killers fascinate me” is definitely not how that explanation should have ended. At least he thinks they are evil?

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Texting typos aside, it’s true. If a girl thinks that someone is a murderer or serial killer, she certainly will not swipe right just to tempt fate. I went out with, and ended up in a good relationship with, a guy whose profile listed 10 things about him. Number 1 was “won’t murder you.” Alright, playful insight. Addressing the situation in a joking way. I totally get it. Beyond that though, the topic of whether he would murder me just never came up. Just the fact that someone has matched with you indicates they show at least a little bit of interest. Don’t start a conversation with something that will instantly create a barrier between you and the other person. Especially if you already know that this is a common concern of the weary online dater.

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Weird may have been boring, but I think I would have preferred that to the persistent thought of his murdering past. I never did risk my life to meet him in person. We would have never worked, anyway. There are too many differences between our schools of thought and brands of humor.

The search continues

16. Self-Deprecating Danny

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In 16th place… Self-Deprecating Danny.

When the internet is your venue for meeting people, you get to be anyone you want to be. You set the stage for who you are and what you want to attract neatly wrapped up in a nice little bow. The online profile through which you market yourself is the place to put your best foot forward.

But… unfortunately, not all users understand what is the best way to portray their personalities. Some things for me can be major turn-offs. For example, describing everything you don’t want in a partner publicly on your profile says, “I’m a negative person and I will find ways to be critical of you.” Or posting mostly photos of you cuddled up to various women says, “I want to have my cake and eat it too.”

On Tinder you can tell if someone has “super liked” your profile before making any decisions. It’s a tool Tinder created as a means to pull someone back into the terrifying void of swiping, mostly. But, this feature can be incredibly helpful. Many “super likers” are blatantly weird. Easy to say no. Sometimes, though, I give people the benefit of the doubt when looking at their profiles. Maybe marketing and branding just aren’t their fortes. So occasionally I will overlook the red flags and swipe right just to see what happens. Ignoring small details on a profile happens most often when the party in question has already expressed interest and I don’t have a huge reason to reject.

[Enter Danny].

Danny extended the “super like” gesture. I perused the profile and only saw the above mentioned profile qualms. His profile gave off a negative vibe by describing what his partner should not be. And he had multiple pictures with female friends. All in all, not the biggest reasons to reject someone before giving them a chance. So I said yes.

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Oh Danny… Not your best opening line at all.

You get to be anything you want to be! You can display the utmost confidence upon meeting someone because you don’t have to conduct the interaction face-to-face! And yet, his first point of contact was to inform me that nobody likes him. The lack of confidence is underwhelming to say the least.

The rest of the interaction was him asking me questions on how he should modify his online dating interactions. I also gave him some tips for his profile to potentially draw in a larger audience. (He vehemently defended his profile and rejected all forms of constructive criticism I offered, by the way).

When he asked me out, I made it very clear that I was not interested–though I thought the feedback and dating coaching should have been clear already.

Up next… 15th place.